Infection

I am a recovering drug addict. Stop, it isn't what you think. It's not illicit, it isn't OTC medication, it isn't pain-killers, it isn't prescription, and it can't even be regulated by the government in any way. I accidentally became addicted to dopamine, the brain's reward chemical. There are drugs that mess up your dopamine levels, but I don't use those, and never have. Dopamine levels can be affected in many ways, but two of the least controllable, most unbalancing ways are pornography and masturbation. I am putting this out here, because it helps to explain. Masturbation has very few physical side-effects, and pornography doesn't actually have any. The physical side-effect of masturbation is hunger. Both of these dopamine-inducing methods have the same psychological effects: apathy, low self esteem, loss of caring about self or others, intense disregard for rules, extreme disrespect for authority and those who hold it, and self-loathing. The effects may be the same, but those of masturbation are much more intense. Pornography will almost always lead to masturbation or seeking out sexual partners whenever and/or wherever possible. This can lead to the transfer of STD's, but I have no personal experience with that. The effects of these things are devastating spiritually, emotionally, and socially. The effects lead to a vicious cycle where the reward is sought out in spite of knowing it will make things worse, because the momentary euphoria is nearly irresistible, and in a mentally/emotionally weakened state, it takes herculean effort to stop. The only thing I've found that will help is realizing that I have value, and no one can change that. Even I can do little to affect my personal value. Once I realized that I was doing things right, I slowly but steadily improved. When I was dealing with this problem, it felt like I couldn't do anything right. I felt like I should be strong enough to stop, but that I wasn't, that I failed. I thought that I had ruined every part of me, and saw only the negative parts of myself, becoming consumed with my flaws, and plunging into a world of anger, hatred, and fear. I lost hope, and I knew I needed help, but I was afraid of people knowing, and looking down on me, or becoming disgusted by me. That, in its self stopped me from seeking any aid. I know now that what matters is what I think, and that people should know who I am. I know that I am doing things right. I have continued in school, I have friends, I am staying healthy, and I am still strong in my moral fiber, despite my obvious shortcomings. I know right from wrong, and because I can still tell right from wrong, I know that I am still good at heart. Don't suppress parts of yourself, don't hide some of yourself. If you hide, or suppress your wounds, they won't heal, unless they are superficial. Most people don't hide superficial wounds, but infections can be hidden for a while. There will come a point when people notice, and don't know why you hid, knowing that if you had only come to them sooner, it wouldn't be so bad. Don't let it get worse. You can get help. It won't be as painful as you think it will, because it will bring some form of relief. Trust me. I know.

Music

So, today I gave this girl a CD of songs that we like in this really cool case. It's one of those CD cases that has a lever and a button thingy that you push to make the CD come out. She was entertained for the rest of lunch. :)

Honor Bound

Jared, Justin, John, and Joe

Lied and lied, they didn't know

That meaning yes and saying no

Would not make their honor grow.

Perchance some sly and sickly spy

Has gone and told them all a lie

And maybe that's the reason why

Their honor's left there, high and dry.

Their honor's feeling pretty bad

If you were it, would you feel sad?

I bet that lying makes it mad.

Instead of lying, make it glad.

Justin, Jared, Joe, and John

Know how to go right on and on,

Because their lies make them withdrawn:

The feeling left when honor's gone.

Justin cheats on every test,

So teachers thought him to be best,

But as a doctor now he's dressed.

His honor faded, broken, messed.

Jared forged his father's check,

A simple shuffling of the deck,

But now he's dead and on to heck.

His honor lost, 'cause he's a wreck.

Joe looked into politics,

Biden time, but doesn't fix

The little pokes, the little pricks,

That honor sees as bitter tricks.

John no longer lies a ton,

He's married now, has lots of fun.

He loves his wife, and loves his son,

So goes life when honor's won.

Seasons

The change of the seasons, the turn of the earth, and the firm, unchanging stars tell me to shut up. Oh well, maybe I was mistaken... Anyway, it is summer now. Summer is incredibly boring most of the time, but sometimes it is really fun. Occasionally it is really busy, like last weekend. we put in a concrete slab for our new crawl-space. It was boring and hard. Sort of... Well, it all turned out okay because we got pizza. Pizza is the food of the GODS! (aka: Ambrosia). Papa Murphey's pizza is the best pizza ever! They had this one, you may have tried it, that became my favorite pizza of all time. Then they took it off their menu because it was just a special that they had for a while. I was depressed for a... few hours? Anyway, it was a thin crust pizza with their gourmet white sauce, zucchini (i know, right?), chicken, cheddar and mozzarella, red pepper flakes, and this amazing sweet & sour sauce. I am not normally a fan of sweet & sour sauce, but this stuff was amazing on that pizza. It was titled the Thai Chicken delite pizza.

You may have noticed that I got a bit off topic. The title and first two sentences had it and it fell apart from there. I have crazy thought processes.

Invisible

Basically, I am a facade. If I took all my facades off, I would not exist. That is the reason for this blog: to find out who I am. If you have any points of view on the subject, please feel free to share them.

I am incredible

Guess what folks, I'm the center of the universe! Now that all of you reading this are laughing your heads off, I will prove it. The universe has no edge as far as we can tell. Motion is relative, and therefore no one can understand exactly what it feels like to another person to move. Therefore, as no one can tell what it is like for me to move, I might very well be shifting the universe around me. Since the universe has no discernible edge, any point within it could be the center. Also, the universe is constantly changing shape. With that knowledge, the center may be moving around inside. The Milky Way Galaxy is moving. The sun is moving at 300 mph. Earth is moving at about 1,000 plus mph. Relative, of course to the rest of the universe. What most people don't realize is that everything is just moving around me. The sun orbits Earth at 1,000 plus mph, and the earth moves around me at 1,000 mph as well. The Milky Way Galaxy moves around the sun at 300 mph. The universe moves around the Milky Way Galaxy at whatever speed it does. I am the center.

Another One

Been talking to the women folk, and one of two specific thought that I had stopped liking her, and the other told me she thought of me as a brother type. Sticky situations, but they came out okay.